To be Picky, Or not to be Picky...That is the Question

In 2011, I began my journey with this blog as the start to a short novel that I decided to write.  I had several single friends who told me to post what I was writing because they loved reading my dating adventures on paper.  

Little did I realize when I started this journey, that as of January 1, 2017 I would be still be single at the age of 44.  Single and happy.

Now one would think that 44 would be a very easy age to find a single, happy, quality male partner in life.  That is completely a myth.  The single men in my dating age range (39-50), are simply non date-able.  They have abandoned dead lengthy toxic marriages, ended long term relationships (post bad marriages) and are damaged, broken, selfish and financially and emotionally insecure.    In a nutshell, 95% of them are a big fat mess of court dates, ex wives, ex girlfriends, child support, spousal payments and drama.  

They want to play, not to be in a true relationship.

If these men are fortunate enough to have been able to come out on top and have a sustainable life, a happy career, a place of their own and still somewhat financially secure, they do NOT want to share again.  They’ve become scared, selfish, self focused and closed, fearing losing everything again if they open up to a woman emotionally or financially.   

But they sure have no problem expecting a woman to open her legs up for them on a 1^st meeting.  They've somehow grown a huge sense of entitlement along with their beer bellies and bad habits.

Now, I have met a couple of nice men this year (literally two), but they still do have their own walls up, major baggage and a lot of fear of jumping into anything long term feet first.

Yes, "there are still some great guys out there" – so I keep hearing.  I’m not being negative, but if I hear that line one more time from either side male or female, they are going to get a very colourful verbal reality check from me.  

The men who say there are still great men out there are trying to sell themselves.

These men are usually living with their moms, have 3 kids 50% of the time and working shift work or 2 jobs and barely scraping by.  Their lives are busy and full of kids, dogs, 1-3 jobs, and everything else.

The women who say there are still great men out there, are married to those men and they are NOT out there. 

Yes, there are some great single men and great single women out there, but they’re all under 35.  
Personally, I cannot date a man under 39.  They have no understanding of when I talk about my generational pop culture references and they look at me like I have 6 eyes when I say something about a VCR or my first car, a 1984 Dodge Aries.  They just cannot grasp anything pre-smartphones or laptops.  
If I randomly shout out Super Nintendo, they say "Huh??"
Sometimes I will just say random things and watch them look completely confused:
Typewriter!  Beta VCR!  Commodore 64!  Cursive handwriting!!
 

Also, most of the younger men have never had children and want some of their own, or have very young children.  

I have to be selfish on that front, because I do not want to be a stepmother of a 10-year-old when I turn 54.  And I will not have anymore children in my mid 40’s; the baby factory is closed.  My daughter is 12 and I'm quite enjoying her level of independence.

I own my own home, have a child that I adore and a great career that I love.  I expect my potential life partner to be in a similar situation.  Gone are the days of drama, exes, multi-dating, juggling court dates, and diapers.  

I simply want peace, love, quiet, happiness, laughter and a true life partner. 

I want someone to put the kettle on for me, not because I asked, but because he knows me that well and he doesn’t have to ask.  It seems so simple to ask for, and yet here I am without that aspect of my life box check marked.

To leave things on a postive note, the biggest changes since my last posts are the changes in me.  I am happy being me.  Life is too short and I value everything I have, I value my family, I value best friend (yes, Tanya that is you) I am happy being alone with my daughter at the end of the day. 

I am happy in my life, my home and in my career.  

I'm a great person, smart, funny, intuitive, affectionate, loyal and kind and I will not settle for being taken for granted.

So if my "He” exists, he must figure out how to find me, and only if he’s meant to find me.

If that’s me being picky, then so be it.  I’m open and hopeful that some day I will find real, true, unselfish love.   

I shall never again settle for taking second place to a man's life and priorities, or being outranked by his needs, his dog, his beer or his career.

 

Dial-A-Vagina

As a single woman, I’ve had my experiences in the past with those Special type male friends, aka FWB.  Special is a good word for them because they are usually full of fear, wounded and confused, thus arriving at the FWB starting line-up.  These are the men that you may need from time to time (because women have needs too) that are not ready, and probably never will be ready to be your boyfriend.  Or at least never my boyfriend, nor would I want them to be. 

Luckily, I respect myself enough to no longer fall victim to these benefit packages.  I’d rather have a clear conscience and with me its all or nothing. 

So there are certain types of men that can swing this no strings deal pretty well and know what it takes to make it work for both.   

What it comes down to is this:  we still need to feel like a woman and some semblance of a lady.  Even if that means bringing over a pizza, having some drinks and hanging out for an hour before the “game” begins or coming over to help put up a new light fixture followed by a round of chasing her around the table.  And sure, some women can accept having a FWB without the chain of commitment. Those rare women are far and few between and have learned to detach their vaginas from their hearts.  But even those women, STILL need to feel desired and respected by their ‘friend on call’.  Women still want feel wooed, even if the ultimate goal is for both parties to leave with a smile on their face and to have no false pretences of a future together.

So what doesn’t work?  For most women, we don’t want to become Dial-A-Vagina.  To be pencilled in for next Friday at 10pm (in case something better comes along) and to not hear from the man for days in between.  Simply put, that makes us a hooker without the income. 

Plain and simple.  If the man is privileged enough to find a woman who is cool enough to accept a no-strings sex situation, then he should at least respect her enough to remain friendly in the time leading up.  Even if it’s just a text asking if she needs anything Friday or what does she want to drink that night.  Not to be confused with dating, it’s polite, respectful behaviour towards someone who has let you into her inner sanctum.

What else doesn’t work?    A  guy showing up at 10pm on the Friday, getting naked and then jumping up to leave moments after he’s done.  Unless a woman tells you to get up and leave now, a man should at least (out of sheer thanks!!) stick around for 30-60mins afterwards.  Chat, drink, eat, snack, laugh, cuddle, whatever.  You have achieved a level of trust with this woman and a mutual agreement, so respect it or lose it.  When a man jumps to his feet and quickly scoots out the door, women are left feeling used (we can’t help that, women are still women) and taken for granted.  Then our feelings get hurt, even if we know it’s no strings.  Feelings only come into play because we don’t like to feel used – but who does??

A man should be grateful that he’s even lucky enough to find this no-strings situation type of gal. 

If a guy only wants to be pencilled in for a time and date, without any concern for trust or health/cleanliness preferences, then he should shell out the cash and just Dial-a-Prostitute.   

I'm writing this for my female friends who keep bringing this stuff to me :)

  

Catch Them If You Can...

Sometimes in life there's the one that keeps getting away.

No matter what you do, the timing is always off. 

When you are in a relationship, he is single. When he is in love and in a relationship, you're single. There is chemistry and passion and amazing conversation, but you keep passing each other in time.  

It's like something you don't feel very often, yet you can't have it.  When you're with the person as friends, because he's not ready to date or in a relationship, it is the most comfortable and easy feeling.

You can talk about everything with ease and you canboth just be your true self.

 

It's not just about the sex either, it's about this level of kindredship and friendship. Not to say that the physical aspect isn't fantastically amazing when it has happened, but you just feel like this is the person you're most comfortable with on all levels.

Everything from your likes and dislikes, to your views on parenting, music or spicy food, it all just clicks. It's like two pieces of Lego that just snap together with ease. 

But... And there's always a but... You can't be with him.  It's like you're just sitting there waiting for him to be ready or single again so you can put on your best face, your nicest outfit, dust yourself off and stand in line hoping it's going to happen this time. 

But of course, when he  does become ready, he wants to play the role of being single.

And do what guys do best:  party with the boys, hang out with friends, go to Vegas for a wknd, sleep with random girls to boost his ego.   It eventually becomes exhausting for him.

And in that timeframe, someone most likely comes along into your life and now you're not single.   

Then when he has finally sewn all of his wild oats, become mentally ready (and lonely for a partner in life) he starts inquiring to see if you're single.  

Usually by now the tides have turned and now YOU are seeing someone, half wishing you weren't, but excited with the stomach flips and heartbeat skips of dating a new person.  

Somewhere during that time when you were single, ready and willing, and he wasn't available on some or many levels, you had actually considered waiting for him.  You weighed the options. 

But life is too short to stand in line, and you can't live waiting around just in case he chooses you.  What if you had waited and then he had met someone else instead? 

So here you are again, distracted by your someone new while he goes searching for his someone new.  And the cycle repeats itself.

When two people really are emotionally, physically and intellectually connected and hyper-compatible… Why can't they just both acknowledge it simultaneously and be together? 

Why does life's precious time have to be wasted second guessing things?  Life is too short.

We deserve happiness and to Live Laugh Learn and Love

 

Bad versus Worse

Good Dates vs Bad Dates

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, so here goes.  I’ve been dating again since March (4 mths) and it’s been utterly mind numbing.  I’ve had both great 1st dates which end up going nowhere, and dates where it feels like you’ve been stuck with the person for hours when it’s been 15 minutes.

You can have a great first “meet” and you start to have hope.  Finally!  A seemingly nice guy.  After that, it’s a gong show.  I find either one of two things happen:  he opens his mouth and becomes a goof on date #2 OR he spends most of his time on a dating site versus getting to know you better.  Grass is always greener it seems…even when he finds a great woman, there is always someone hotter, sexier and easier out there. 

So here are a few of my experiences of the last couple months for your entertainment and laughter.  Because boy it has been quite a hilarious ride.  Here goes nothing...

Got Teef? – this guy and I texted and talked on the phone for about a week before meeting.  I asked all of the critical questions including “how are your teeth??”  His answer:  I have good teeth.  I’m missing 2 at the back, but you can’t see them.   So we agree to meet in person.  I sit down across from him and notice he doesn’t smile with his mouth open.  I start to become fixated on watching him speak and his mouth open.  My next tactic (which comes natural to me) is to make him laugh.  I’m a comedian by nature and apparently missed my calling.  He starts to laugh and he was right….he had good teeth.  The only TWO teeth he had in the front were good.  The rest of his mouth was empty. 

Chick-Hands – this guy and I spoke for a few days and really clicked.  We met at a restaurant and there was some chemistry right off the hop.  However, I  immediately noticed his hands.  He had the smallest hands on a not-so-small guy that I had ever seen.  And his nails were as long as mine.  I couldn’t stop staring at them.  Pointy long women’s style finger nails on short small man hands.  It was bizarre.  I couldn’t hold back and after an hour I asked why on earth would a guy have such long nails.  His answer:  he likes them that way.  Well, nails aren't a deal breaker so I let it slide.  The date went really well outside of that, and it lasted for 4hrs.  Yes, 4hrs!  We agreed the same night to go out again the next night.  He texted me proclaiming his definite interest, lots of complements and I reciprocated.  The next morning at 9am he sends me “good morning, running some errands J talk to you soon!”  Two hours later I received this:  I didn’t feel the butterflies, good luck in your search.  

Wheels – ok so I went outside of my comfort zone and met a guy from the States who drove a really nice car (I should’ve known better).  We spoke many times on the phone, and texted for almost 2 weeks.  I added him to Facebook and I creeped his photos.  He looked good to me.   Two hours before we met, he called me to confirm the time and place.  Right before his phone call, I received a strange FB friend request from him…but we were already friends?? Weren’t we??  So after the call, I went onto my Facebook.  POOF!  He was no longer my friend.  But we were meeting in under 2 hours, why would he UNfriend me now?  It made no sense at all.  I hadn’t even ‘liked’ anything on his page or commented.  He purposely went on and UNfriended me prior to our first meet/date.  RED FLAG #1.  And so we met…it was a gorgeous evening and we went for a long drive and for a drink.  I had asked him on our many phone talks if he was ready to be in a relationship and his answer was a solid Yes.  Sitting across from him having a beer, I asked him how long (which I had previously asked) he was single.   This is a little test I do, to see if their answers match up when they don’t have time to edit their answers hidden behind a text message.  He said his last relationship was in April for 3 months.  I did the math and said “but it’s only July 2, so when did that end???”   He said “2 weeks ago”.  I had been blindsided.  In all of the talks and texts about dating readiness and healing time lapsed, he had failed to ever mention that.  We had been talking for just under 2 weeks.  And now, I was stuck with a guy that had omitted significant details like that.  My next question which I had asked him before was “are you sure you’re ready for a long term dating thing?”  His answer was “I don’t know what I’m looking for; I guess I will know if I find it”.  We are still not Facebook friends again, but he wants to see me again.  That’s a solid no-go.

Filters – This guy lacked all the filters of what’s kosher on a 2^nd date or ANY date for that matter.  Example:  sex talk, talking about porn, asking me if I’d ever been with or dated a woman, threatening to kidnap me, jokingly trying to have me sniff a cloth in his car with chloroform on it (he was kidding, or was he?!!?), asking me if I liked backdoor and then putting me down calling me such things as a prude.  Date #1 had been excellent.  He had seemed like such a nice guy.  Truly seemed a good hearted soul, and then he removed all of his filters on date #2 leaving behind nothing but a total redneck jerk with zero class.  Who jokes in this day and age about drugging a woman and kidnapping her?  The joke that never ended the entire date long.  I finally had to say “ok enough, it’s played out and not funny anymore”  He was quite put out that I didn’t find it funny anymore.  At the end of the date after I was dropped off, he texted me to come to his house.  The entire night he was trying to get me back to his place.  I am starting to think the chloroform thing wasn't a joke.

My summary of dating in the last 4mths, one Word sums it up:  CHAOS. 

Men who aren’t ready to date one woman but think they can convince women that they are

Men who just want a FWB (friend with benefits) on their terms

Men who are too busy to commit but always seem to have time to be on a dating site

and lastly…

Men who are dealing with way too much of their own life craziness to be at the starting gates of entering into a new relationship. 

Disappointing?  Yes.  Discouraging?  Hell yes. 

Am I looking or looking too hard?  NO!  But…they all seem to find me. 

Back by Popular Demand...

Long ago, in a land far away…men actually wanted to date women.

Back by popular demand, here is my Blog in living colour and a brief history of the last 2yrs of my life.

I was in a relationship for 17mths, he moved in, he moved out a few months later. He tried to win me back for 5 months, it didn’t happen.  I won’t go into the ugly details but it was all his choice due to his past deep scars and emotional wounds that I could not fix.  So once again, I find myself single and dating.  And I have to ask this question:  WTF has happened to men in the last 2 years??!!

Perhaps it’s my new age decade change to 40 that has turned men into presumptuous persons (for lack of a kind word) who actually have the nerve to ask me to take THEM for dinner.  Do they see my age on the dating site and think that I would be honoured to have them accompany me so that I look cool with them? 

And it’s not just the younger men pulling this new scam.  I’ve had a few men ages 29-42 ask me to take them out.  My reply is simply this “I do not pay men to keep me company”.  Of course they then flip that around and say that men do it all the time so it’s the woman’s turn and other excuses like women’s lib.  At this age, I am pretty much not settling for anything.  I’d rather become a cat lady than to have to bribe a man to be in my presence.  I would rather date for the next 20 yrs and enjoy dating on my terms, than have to be desperate enough to need to buy men gifts and dinners in exchange for their brief momentary attention.  That’s just not who I am.

Another aspect of how dating has changed in the last 2 years is that men no longer want to do any leg work.  There is no dating involved anymore, no wooing, no offers of meeting for lunch dates or a drink after work.  I have had offers of things like “come over and we can order a pizza and you can give me a massage”.  Ok so they want me to get in my car, drive to their place while they just sit there waiting for their “Woman of the Day” to arrive on their doorsteps as conveniently as their Men’s Health magazine? 

The answer is YES.   

Men do not want to put in the time to date anymore.  They want instant gratification with ZERO work involved.  I am not a call girl but that’s pretty much what they want…a girl on call on their terms and on their schedules.  They are not even willing to take a woman out anymore for a cheap dinner somewhere or a movie.  What the heck has happened to these men??  Is it because the internet and texting has become so instantaneous and easy that they expect women to be that easy too?  

Now don’t get me wrong, I have met a handful of men that have paid for my drink and/or a dinner and I give those men a big High 5 on that.  Thank you to them for keeping the dream alive!  But it’s becoming less and less of a thing for men to cough up $5 for a drink, never mind actually spending gas money to meet a woman somewhere or to take off their PJ pants and leave their fortress of solitude.

Lastly, I have also been the one to initiate first date meetings with a few men.  Sounds like it would be flattering for a woman to be assertive and confident enough to ask a guy out doesn’t it?  Well, on more than several occasions…I’ve been cancelled on, forgotten or just plain stood up.  Various excuses used, various reasons from:  they got called into work or they forgot their cell phones at work/in the car/in their other jeans, their dog peed on their phone and it was drying on the clothes line.  I am confident enough and respect myself enough to use the motto: Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  A woman likes to feel wanted, pursued and sought after, especially when she’s a good catch.  I have no addictions, no emotional baggage, I have a good career which I’m working very hard on advancing in and I’m a kind and amazing girlfriend when I’m within that role.  

I am flirty, fun and a fabulous and when I’m interested in a man, I show it.  But I will not let myself be used as an escort service, a delivery service, a cash cow or a masseuse nor will I drive around all corners of the earth desperate for the company of a man.  Because if I have to do that, he’s not worth it.

So, we shall see what the dating realm holds for me in this new year of possibilities.  I do know this though, with or without a man, the futures so bright… I gotta wear shades. 

Over... but not out!

Young Guns Vs. Old Pros

So, back to the hockey game that inspired me to write again.
Last week, I was watching 2 two very opposite ends of the age spectrum play against each other.

Before me were energetic youths in their early to mid teens and on the opposite team were very focused men around 35-45.
Watching them both reminded me of the dating differences in young men versus older men. Now, I don’t mean old men with walkers, canes or other mobility assistance paraphernalia. And I sure as heck don’t mean boys in their teens. That’s just plain silly.
I mean men that are 20 something versus men in their late 30’s to late 40’s.

When you are a woman in your mid to late 30’s, you are bombarded by both ends of the scale when it comes to dating. You have the young guys full of energy and full of ego trying to hook up with you, and then you have men that are older than you just looking for their younger woman to have on their arm. I’ve touched on this before but will go in a different direction this time.

From my research and experiences, the young men are eager and full of beans. They are always on the go, looking for the next party and their next conquest. They have no real debt (because they probably still live with their parents) and they have no real commitments in life. They are living for the moment. They love a challenge, think they are invincible and seem to have no limits. They will accept anything laid before them (no pun intended).
Unless they are very career driven, they probably have no real liabilities or responsibilities. But being career driven can also bring arrogance.
Especially in this age of the new “Playstation i-Everything Generation”, these younger men have become lazy and very self focused. Media has helped them become this way from the time they were exposed to it. They have only ever known MuchMusic (yes, I AM Canadian :)  ) cable (what's an antenna??) and everything handed to them in hyperspeed. Drive thru’s, instant messaging in some form or another, and laptop computers have been around them all of their lives. They are easily distracted, but like to get what they want and move on. They are easily bored and overstimulated by technology.  There are exceptions as with anything and I’m sure there are lovely young men out there, but they’re dating girls in their age range. The ‘boys’ who want a woman 10-15 yrs their senior tend to not be those guys.

However, this newest generation of young men seem to have watched something somewhere (because they don’t read anything other than texts) that let them in on a secret tactic that the older men have perfected.
Put the woman first in the bedroom. It seems that they have decided not to just jump in and hump like Thumper anymore. It’s not a race called gone in 60 seconds. They now seem to want to take care of the woman first. Do they do this with girls their age or are they trying to overachieve to impress us more mature gals?
Not quite sure why, but these young ‘uns have thrown that chip on the table now. One major difference is this: they still rush through it to get to the grand prize being their own gratification. Now they are gone in 120 seconds.

And now for the old pro’s…

They have debt, they have baggage, they have liabilities, they have children, they have divorce(s) under their belts, but these men have some skills. No, unfortunately not all of them can be highly skilled, but boy they sure give it their best effort. And there’s no rushing involved. Some of them don’t even care if they get a turn on the ride. They actually just enjoy the thrill of watching how it all plays out. They listen to what you have to say and are willing to compromise here and there and alter the master plan if it works out better for the both of you.

**Now the married women out there would argue with this theory of mine. They probably have husbands in that age range and feel that they are not meeting their needs at all. That’s for Dr Phils marriage counselling to figure out and not for me to get into.

The key to it all is the men who are not married anymore. They were rejected by former spouses, shot down and egos bruised. And now they have a second chance at the goal. They can show off their skills with nobody guilt tripping them about leaving their dirty socks beside the bed, or forgetting to empty the dishwasher or grab dog food. There’s no performance pressure. They want to get a goal, but they just go out there and enjoy the game too. They aren’t as high strung or hopped up on egos. Maturity has taught these men great things, but the downside is that they have some penalties mixed into their pasts.

With all that being said, it's a personal choice and depends on where you are at in your life and in your head. 
Myself?
Well, I've decided to go with mature and highly skilled, but still a few years my junior.  I have found the best of both worlds!

Now your own game is to find a man, young or old, that meets most of your criteria.
                                                      Game ON !!