Monday, January 3, 2011

Two Eyes: Sunny Side Up

Two Eyes Sunny Side Up

So once upon at time, I made a date. It was not the first blind date I had from the dating site, but it was certainly one of my most memorable.

We spoke on instant messaging for a long time which equals about 3 months in the cyber dating world. I was randomly dating here and there, and so was he. The time finally came when both of us were ready to actually meet each other. We had talked so often, that even his kids spoke to me in cyber space and wanted us to meet. That was a bit too much for my liking, but I had no control over that. Believe it or not, some men actually feel the need to push their kids onto women they meet almost immediately. I will touch more on that subject later.

We decided to meet at a local popular chain restaurant in town. It was not too expensive and very casual so it would work well. He asked if he could pick me up and I agreed to let him know where I lived due to the lengthy conversations that we had. I saw no harm in that (BIG mistake).

He arrived in a car that I’m sure was top of the line in 1985, but had long ago lost all sense of cleanliness and more importantly safety. I let it slide as I’m not a material girl by any standards. It’s what is in the heart that matters. He had told me that he weighed anywhere up to 220lbs which was a bonus because I like bigger and broader men.  The man before me could not have been more than 140lbs soaking wet. The second big red flag was when I spotted the fanny pack, which may as well have been a neon pink polka dot scrunchie on his head.  Yes girls...a fanny pack.

In my head, I heard air raid sirens going off. We sat down and ordered drinks and dinner. I noticed that he was extremely fidgety and nervous and strangely enough sounded exactly like Al Pacino.  Every time I looked down at the table in order to avoid being overly friendly, I had to look up to confirm that he was indeed not Al Pacino.

We spoke and made very limited eye contact due to first date jitters. The food came. At this point I did not feel the butterflies, the vibe, the happy feeling, or the spark that you we are always hoping for, but I was there and there was nothing I could do but ride it out. I felt nothing.

All of the sudden and out of nowhere, I noticed "it" staring at me.  How had I missed it?!?
He was eating his dinner and when he would look down, "it" would keep looking at me. "It" was his right eye. I tried not to look at it but it was like the more I tried, the more I would look. This behaviour of course made him think he was charming the pants off of me.

So why was it looking at me when he was looking downwards at his food? I could no longer hear the words coming out of his mouth.  I could only focus on my thoughts of "It".
Did it have a mind of its own? Was it stalking me with its gaze or was it like a magic 8 ball eye which could predict my fortune? Did it possess super powers like x-ray vision?
I had to get out of there. I had already noted all the emergency exits and had my one hand on my purse. Oh Crap!!! He drove.
I ate my pasta as fast as I could possibly eat it, and then gave up and said I was going to doggie bag the rest. Beep Beep. My cell phone went off with a text message from a friend. It was not planned, but she may have just saved me from the Super Stalker 8 Ball Eyeball. I told him that she was fighting with her husband, and was on her way to my house to cry on my shoulder. I asked him if he’d mind leaving immediately and taking me home to meet her. I lied.  I should've won an Oscar for my performance.
After he dropped me off, I let him and the eye roll off into the sunset and we never saw each other again.

Rule Number 3: always bring your own escape plan or car.

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