Monday, August 2, 2010

Can I get a Salad...with the lettuce on the side??

So, a while ago I had a date with a guy that I knew back in highschool. He was actually a friends cousin and very yummy.

The date went well but I had one too many beers, and beers + me = trouble.
It was fun. We laughed, we cried, I bought the tshirt and we did ‘it’.  Mistake # 1.
Yup, it was about a 5 out of 10 on the giddyup scale. Yes, it was fast and furious and I actually got nothing out of it. It was what is known as "jack rabbitting".
I chalked that up to the beer intake factor on both our ends. Ok, so I figured I’d give it a second shot. We talked a lot on the phone, and it went well so we planned an overnighter.

We spent the whole day together and I realized quite quickly that his personality was as dry as trying to swallow a saltine cracker after you had just ran a 10k race without any water breaks.
This man had so much going for him and he matched almost all of my dating criteria:  divorced, one child, good career, own house, various fun motorized vehicles, financially stable, no addictions and so on. However, he was a total stick in the mud. There was zero personality that I could find. It was like spending the day with a robot programmed to spout negative comments and to be antisocial.  He didn't seem to have an ounce of positivity or personality about him.  I was spending the day/night with The Grinch Who Stole 24 Hours of My Life.

After that, I stupidly decided that I wanted to give ‘it’ one more shot and see if he was better round 2. All I can say in hindsight is that I guess I HOPED to get something for the excruciatingly painful time I’d spent listening to him spew facts about how terrible a world we live in.

Round 2, was worse than round 1. By the time it was over, 2.5 minutes later, I wanted to drug myself into a coma until which time he could drop me off at my front door. Things that we didn’t do the first round, were apparently things that he just did not do.
For example; kissing. The man did not kiss. What man does not kiss?!? I attempted to kiss him and it was like kissing a brick wall. No reciprocation and no movement of his lips.
Did I accidentally kiss his forehead?  No, I couldn't have missed.  I couldn’t believe it so I tried again. Nothing. Nada.  Zero.  Was he still breathing or had I killed him?
I finally said “why don’t you kiss back??” to which he answered “I don’t kiss”.
I said “geez, I feel like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman when he tries to get Julia Roberts to kiss him”
|Oh, and the man does not do other things either.
Ladies, you know what I am talking about. If a man will not go downtown for a woman, then he is not worth keeping around.  Men expect every woman to immediately go south for them (and I'm not talking about the Carribbean) but then they will not take make the trip? 
It’s give and take and if there’s no giving, then I am not wasting my time.

The drive home was a nightmare. He did lower than the speed limit the entire drive home and finally I stuck my foot onto his side of the car and rammed that gas pedal to the floor.
Well, ok that was how it played out in my head while I was daydreaming and avoiding having anymore conversations with him.

We both said a fast goodbye at my front door (no kiss of course) and then I slammed it shut and locked it behind me. 
I had just locked myself in my house with my cat – my cat who does kiss me!!

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