Hurry Up and ...Rush!

My single gal pals and I are noticing a new trend in dating men in 2016.  Anyone we have spoken to that has actually gotten to the point of wanting to meet, has been eager and excited to meet.  However, actually coordinating the time to meet up with these men has been exhausting.  And short lived.

I myself have limited free time after work, but I do have a few hours here and there through the work week for a 30-45 minute short meet and greet.  I also have weekends.  This short time frame usually suffices as a first meeting, as you can tell if there’s any attraction or connection fairly quickly.

Unfortunately, these men are so busy that they can’t even manage to find 45 minutes in 4 weeks to meet up.  The texting continues, the messaging, sometimes they even pick up the phone and make the call, but meeting in person seems to be almost impossible.  I realize that they are juggling several available women and some women are more interesting, but isn’t it better to meet up and cross people off the potentials list?  

Meet, you click or you don’t, go your separate ways and then either move onto the next candidate or decide to book a 1^st real date with that person.  

I was texting with someone for about 4 weeks.  He kept trying to meet me but things kept getting in the way:  kids, working overtime, shopping, and other life events.  Finally, he picked a day, with 4 days notice and we booked a meeting at a coffee shop.  I was waiting for the “I’m sorry, I can’t make it” text.  It didn’t happen.  He told me he would be there at 4:45.

I arrived at the place and waited.  At 4:55 I messaged him and said “are you here yet?”  He replied that he would be there in 5 minutes.  Ok so now 4:45 turned into 5:05.  When he finally arrived, he was disheveled and in a whirlwind mess.  He said he was rushing and didn’t even have time to do his hair.  I was a bit confused because he knew about this “date” (first meeting) ahead of time.  We sat down and he did not look like his photos at all.  He was super skinny, haggard, with dark circles under his eyes, and had the gaunt look of a heavy drinker and the teeth of a man who hasn’t seen a dentist regularly, if at all.  

The most surprising part was that he became a superhero right before my eyes!  

Yes, he was indeed Captain Obvious.   

He kept blurting out things like “Oh what’s that?! on your tongue?!” right in the middle of my sentence (I have a tongue piercing).    

He also kept staring at my chest, which I could not figure out because I had on a sports bra aka uni-boob, a high cut shirt, a scarf over my chest and my jacket.  So Captain Obvious was obviously trying to use his X-ray vision to see through my 4 layers of clothing.  

At 5:12 he noted the time and said he had to leave in 5 minutes to go to see his parents.  They were expecting him.  Well, thank you Captain for saving me the grief of cutting this 1st meeting short.  I was just about to make up some excuse why I had to leave.  He beat me to it. 

He was very fidgety and nervous and kept asking if we could go out sometime.  “Umm, sure, yeah, sounds good” is what I said just to get myself the hell out of there.   If I had said no, explaining my reasons why not would’ve kept me there for a lot longer than a yes.    Just tell him what he wants to hear and get the hell out of Dodge!  

I said I needed to use the ladies room so that this toothless boozer dude wouldn’t try and kiss me goodbye.  As he bolted out of there in his old beat up Grand Am, I hid beside the window to make sure he was gone before I walked out.  

Rush rush rush!  Go go go! Our meeting lasted a total of 10 minutes but felt like a 2 hour root canal. 

 

And, these are some of the quality single men out there over the age of 44.     

Welcome to my hell.

This one is dedicated to Tanya, Heather, Michelle and Pam.  United we stand, united we laugh.

To be Picky, Or not to be Picky...That is the Question

In 2011, I began my journey with this blog as the start to a short novel that I decided to write.  I had several single friends who told me to post what I was writing because they loved reading my dating adventures on paper.  

Little did I realize when I started this journey, that as of January 1, 2017 I would be still be single at the age of 44.  Single and happy.

Now one would think that 44 would be a very easy age to find a single, happy, quality male partner in life.  That is completely a myth.  The single men in my dating age range (39-50), are simply non date-able.  They have abandoned dead lengthy toxic marriages, ended long term relationships (post bad marriages) and are damaged, broken, selfish and financially and emotionally insecure.    In a nutshell, 95% of them are a big fat mess of court dates, ex wives, ex girlfriends, child support, spousal payments and drama.  

They want to play, not to be in a true relationship.

If these men are fortunate enough to have been able to come out on top and have a sustainable life, a happy career, a place of their own and still somewhat financially secure, they do NOT want to share again.  They’ve become scared, selfish, self focused and closed, fearing losing everything again if they open up to a woman emotionally or financially.   

But they sure have no problem expecting a woman to open her legs up for them on a 1^st meeting.  They've somehow grown a huge sense of entitlement along with their beer bellies and bad habits.

Now, I have met a couple of nice men this year (literally two), but they still do have their own walls up, major baggage and a lot of fear of jumping into anything long term feet first.

Yes, "there are still some great guys out there" – so I keep hearing.  I’m not being negative, but if I hear that line one more time from either side male or female, they are going to get a very colourful verbal reality check from me.  

The men who say there are still great men out there are trying to sell themselves.

These men are usually living with their moms, have 3 kids 50% of the time and working shift work or 2 jobs and barely scraping by.  Their lives are busy and full of kids, dogs, 1-3 jobs, and everything else.

The women who say there are still great men out there, are married to those men and they are NOT out there. 

Yes, there are some great single men and great single women out there, but they’re all under 35.  
Personally, I cannot date a man under 39.  They have no understanding of when I talk about my generational pop culture references and they look at me like I have 6 eyes when I say something about a VCR or my first car, a 1984 Dodge Aries.  They just cannot grasp anything pre-smartphones or laptops.  
If I randomly shout out Super Nintendo, they say "Huh??"
Sometimes I will just say random things and watch them look completely confused:
Typewriter!  Beta VCR!  Commodore 64!  Cursive handwriting!!
 

Also, most of the younger men have never had children and want some of their own, or have very young children.  

I have to be selfish on that front, because I do not want to be a stepmother of a 10-year-old when I turn 54.  And I will not have anymore children in my mid 40’s; the baby factory is closed.  My daughter is 12 and I'm quite enjoying her level of independence.

I own my own home, have a child that I adore and a great career that I love.  I expect my potential life partner to be in a similar situation.  Gone are the days of drama, exes, multi-dating, juggling court dates, and diapers.  

I simply want peace, love, quiet, happiness, laughter and a true life partner. 

I want someone to put the kettle on for me, not because I asked, but because he knows me that well and he doesn’t have to ask.  It seems so simple to ask for, and yet here I am without that aspect of my life box check marked.

To leave things on a postive note, the biggest changes since my last posts are the changes in me.  I am happy being me.  Life is too short and I value everything I have, I value my family, I value best friend (yes, Tanya that is you) I am happy being alone with my daughter at the end of the day. 

I am happy in my life, my home and in my career.  

I'm a great person, smart, funny, intuitive, affectionate, loyal and kind and I will not settle for being taken for granted.

So if my "He” exists, he must figure out how to find me, and only if he’s meant to find me.

If that’s me being picky, then so be it.  I’m open and hopeful that some day I will find real, true, unselfish love.   

I shall never again settle for taking second place to a man's life and priorities, or being outranked by his needs, his dog, his beer or his career.

 

Dial-A-Vagina

As a single woman, I’ve had my experiences in the past with those Special type male friends, aka FWB.  Special is a good word for them because they are usually full of fear, wounded and confused, thus arriving at the FWB starting line-up.  These are the men that you may need from time to time (because women have needs too) that are not ready, and probably never will be ready to be your boyfriend.  Or at least never my boyfriend, nor would I want them to be. 

Luckily, I respect myself enough to no longer fall victim to these benefit packages.  I’d rather have a clear conscience and with me its all or nothing. 

So there are certain types of men that can swing this no strings deal pretty well and know what it takes to make it work for both.   

What it comes down to is this:  we still need to feel like a woman and some semblance of a lady.  Even if that means bringing over a pizza, having some drinks and hanging out for an hour before the “game” begins or coming over to help put up a new light fixture followed by a round of chasing her around the table.  And sure, some women can accept having a FWB without the chain of commitment. Those rare women are far and few between and have learned to detach their vaginas from their hearts.  But even those women, STILL need to feel desired and respected by their ‘friend on call’.  Women still want feel wooed, even if the ultimate goal is for both parties to leave with a smile on their face and to have no false pretences of a future together.

So what doesn’t work?  For most women, we don’t want to become Dial-A-Vagina.  To be pencilled in for next Friday at 10pm (in case something better comes along) and to not hear from the man for days in between.  Simply put, that makes us a hooker without the income. 

Plain and simple.  If the man is privileged enough to find a woman who is cool enough to accept a no-strings sex situation, then he should at least respect her enough to remain friendly in the time leading up.  Even if it’s just a text asking if she needs anything Friday or what does she want to drink that night.  Not to be confused with dating, it’s polite, respectful behaviour towards someone who has let you into her inner sanctum.

What else doesn’t work?    A  guy showing up at 10pm on the Friday, getting naked and then jumping up to leave moments after he’s done.  Unless a woman tells you to get up and leave now, a man should at least (out of sheer thanks!!) stick around for 30-60mins afterwards.  Chat, drink, eat, snack, laugh, cuddle, whatever.  You have achieved a level of trust with this woman and a mutual agreement, so respect it or lose it.  When a man jumps to his feet and quickly scoots out the door, women are left feeling used (we can’t help that, women are still women) and taken for granted.  Then our feelings get hurt, even if we know it’s no strings.  Feelings only come into play because we don’t like to feel used – but who does??

A man should be grateful that he’s even lucky enough to find this no-strings situation type of gal. 

If a guy only wants to be pencilled in for a time and date, without any concern for trust or health/cleanliness preferences, then he should shell out the cash and just Dial-a-Prostitute.   

I'm writing this for my female friends who keep bringing this stuff to me :)

  

Catch Them If You Can...

Sometimes in life there's the one that keeps getting away.

No matter what you do, the timing is always off. 

When you are in a relationship, he is single. When he is in love and in a relationship, you're single. There is chemistry and passion and amazing conversation, but you keep passing each other in time.  

It's like something you don't feel very often, yet you can't have it.  When you're with the person as friends, because he's not ready to date or in a relationship, it is the most comfortable and easy feeling.

You can talk about everything with ease and you canboth just be your true self.

 

It's not just about the sex either, it's about this level of kindredship and friendship. Not to say that the physical aspect isn't fantastically amazing when it has happened, but you just feel like this is the person you're most comfortable with on all levels.

Everything from your likes and dislikes, to your views on parenting, music or spicy food, it all just clicks. It's like two pieces of Lego that just snap together with ease. 

But... And there's always a but... You can't be with him.  It's like you're just sitting there waiting for him to be ready or single again so you can put on your best face, your nicest outfit, dust yourself off and stand in line hoping it's going to happen this time. 

But of course, when he  does become ready, he wants to play the role of being single.

And do what guys do best:  party with the boys, hang out with friends, go to Vegas for a wknd, sleep with random girls to boost his ego.   It eventually becomes exhausting for him.

And in that timeframe, someone most likely comes along into your life and now you're not single.   

Then when he has finally sewn all of his wild oats, become mentally ready (and lonely for a partner in life) he starts inquiring to see if you're single.  

Usually by now the tides have turned and now YOU are seeing someone, half wishing you weren't, but excited with the stomach flips and heartbeat skips of dating a new person.  

Somewhere during that time when you were single, ready and willing, and he wasn't available on some or many levels, you had actually considered waiting for him.  You weighed the options. 

But life is too short to stand in line, and you can't live waiting around just in case he chooses you.  What if you had waited and then he had met someone else instead? 

So here you are again, distracted by your someone new while he goes searching for his someone new.  And the cycle repeats itself.

When two people really are emotionally, physically and intellectually connected and hyper-compatible… Why can't they just both acknowledge it simultaneously and be together? 

Why does life's precious time have to be wasted second guessing things?  Life is too short.

We deserve happiness and to Live Laugh Learn and Love